Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
