Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
