First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
