So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize