I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
