who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
