i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
