I wish my penis had an off switch
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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