Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
