I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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