Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
