I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
