So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize