Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
