my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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