WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
