Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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