I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize