dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
