the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
