she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
