i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He better not be in your backpack
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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