my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
