how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think i got beer on your cat.
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