When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize