I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
