I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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