Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
