foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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