I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
