id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
