Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
