Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
