I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Randomize
