I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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