I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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