I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
