I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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