You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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