Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
