I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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