Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
