I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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