My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
