Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
