new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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