69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize