I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
