Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
