Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
