"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
the liver wants what the liver wants
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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