you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I need to sanitize my soul.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize