Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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