My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
